I try to be patient. Really, I do. But nothing makes my blood boil more than the school pick up line. The endless parade of SUVs and minivans is not for the faint of heart. However, it’s nearly the end of the year, and I feel it’s time for an intervention for those that still do not understand how to properly navigate the chaos. Here are a few simple rules (I’ll put them as kindly as possible)
1. Put your damn phone down.
As if the 10+ signs scattered throughout the driveway weren’t a big enough clue for you, you really should put your phone down. I know it’s the primetime for your daily minivan selfie, but quite frankly I’ve got shit to do, and if you could kindly pay attention I would be forever grateful. Not to mention if your distracted driving were to somehow injure a child, well, let’s just say “You don’t want none of this.”
- Try to keep the debris at bay.
I was guilty of this one in my first week, never again. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen a stray juice box or mitten fall out of the van when the automatic door slides open. And unless you decide to get out of your car (which we will get to in a second), or send your kid on an under car rescue mission, you’ve basically littered. Are we really that low, Karen? This has a simple solution that consists of making kids put their shit away and put their trash in the trash can. Which I know can prove difficult, do your best.
- Disneyland rules apply. All line jumpers will be asked to leave.
My preschooler is learning the importance of rules, and I think you might know too! If you’re supposed to stay in your lane until a certain point, do it. You’re not above the rules just because your late for Sophie’s dentist appointment. Face it, you were already late, we are all late for everything, it’s called motherhood. Last year I was literally side swiped by another van because she was “super late.” Enjoy your insurance bill, sister. I bet that extra money twice a year was totally worth you not missing the beginning of your yoga class that one Tuesday in April.
- In the name of all that’s holy stay in your vehicle!
Why are you getting out? Newsflash, it doesn’t make things any faster, in fact you’re slowing us all down. Big time! Please keep your arms and legs inside the van at all times. I know Johnny isn’t paying attention to the fact that you are there, but I bet if his YouTube privileges depended on it he would. So have a talk with Johnny, because if you get out of the car again. I’m going to have some choice words with you.
- Pull Forward! All the way!!!!!
This is basic, people. Everyone will get through quicker if you don’t leave a gap the size of Alaska in between you and the car in front of you. I know Sally is right there, but Sally can walk 10 feet so that another mom can pick up her child. If you don’t pull forward I will honk, and I will honk so hard that your rear window stick family will be shaking in their oversized boots.
I’m sorry I have to be so mean, and difficult. But these rules really are simple and expected. We all want to get home so that we can pester our kids to clean their rooms or fight about math problems. If we all make an effort in the pickup line, we will all get to the misery of the evening quicker and to the joy of bedtime quicker.