Take 3 kids to Target in 30 easy steps!

Have you ever wanted to take your three kids to Target?  Well, today is your lucky day!  By following my 30 easy steps you’ll be joyfully pushing that red cart in no time.  Let’s begin:

  1. Asks all three kids to get their shoes on, we are going to Target
  2. Begin gathering your shopping list, cell phone, wait where are the minivan keys?
  3. Do you have your shoes on yet?
  4. Turn off all the lights, and the TV. Normally you wouldn’t worry too much, but the husband could be home at any time, and quite frankly you’re not in the mood for a lecture on the importance of saving power.
  5. They’ve got to have their shoes on by now. Nope, 5-year-old can’t find one of her 2 billion pairs.
  6. Go downstairs and help find the shoes.
  7. Almost out the door, wait the 3-year-old forgot her Cabbage Patch Kid, wait for her to grab it.
  8. Ok, the door is locked and shut. We are headed to the van. Shit! I never got the keys.
  9. Load kids in the van, buckle them up.
  10. Go grab the spare house key and frantically search the house for the regular keys. They are literally nowhere.
  11. Go check your purse again, it’s in the van with the kids. Nope.
  12. Check the house again. I just know they must be in the couch cushions, or underneath a pile of junk mail.  Again, nothing.
  13. Back to the van, dump the purse, find the keys that were in it the whole time.
  14. Head to Target, the hat comes off the Cabbage Patch Kid, child screams the entire drive.
  15. Get to Target, park near the cart return so you can put the kids directly in the cart.
  16. Load everyone in. 7-year-old nearly gets run over when she does an impromptu cartwheel in the parking lot.
  17. Get inside, 3-year-old begins screaming for a free cookie, head to bakery.
  18. Realize you left your list in the car because you dumped your purse. Screw it!  You remember the whole thing.
  19. Go up and down the aisles, tell 7 and 5-year-old to “move” at least one thousand times.
  20. Fill the cart with everything you could possibly need.
  21. 3-year-old is done with the cookie, and starts screaming for another one, strangers stare, secretly flip them off.
  22. Walk past the dollar spot, add 30 more things to your cart.
  23. Now your 3-year-old is climbing out of the cart. Buckle her in. Screaming is louder now.
  24. 7-year-old wants Pokémon cards and 5-year-old wants a Barbie. Take whatever you want, let’s just get out of here.
  25. Check out. Cashier tries to pacify 3-year-old with stickers.  It doesn’t help and only slows us down.
  26. Spend $400, but at least you got everything you needed.
  27. Load everything in car, including 3-year-old that is now acting like you’ve kidnapped her, try to ignore the stares.
  28. Swear you’re never doing that again.
  29. Look at your list and realize you forgot the main component for dinner tonight.
  30. Order Pizza.



3 thoughts on “Take 3 kids to Target in 30 easy steps!

  1. You, my dear, are hilarious! I don’t have a Target in my state (we like to keep the “po” in podunk in these parts…not enough rich people to support a Target or a Cracker Barrell for that matter, which is an entirely different bitch session altogether, as I desperately miss the southern cookin’!). This post is my life any time I have to take my 3 kids into Wal-Mart…or the Target in our neighbor state. My eldest insists on pushing the cart because she’s 13 1/2 and perfectly capable of keeping her two siblings in a cart, until they start fighting with each other and she becomes a mini dictator and I have to step in before it gets really ugly. My almost 8yo has ADHD with autistic tendencies, but not enough to have an autism diagnosis. She has a really big personal space bubble that usually invades other’s bubbles. Like my almost 7yo son, diagnosed with autism at 2yo, practically non-verbal but got excellent intervention services and his head-banging behavior completely stopped when I removed ALL gluten from his already dairy free diet and as he was more available to learn, we quickly found out just how smart, sensitive and insightful he is. He is so persistent that he kept blowing through his IEP goals in pre-K and entered K without an aide. PS, don’t let anyone tell you autistic children don’t understand empathy…they are even more sensitive than neurotypical children…they just have a hard time labeling the intense empathy they feel…like crying at any Hallmark commercial type of empathy…or running back to you, worried to tears, because a baby is crying in the play place structure and they don’t know how to help. We, in our family, have EDS III (hypermobility), sensory processing issues, autism, ADHD, and psoriatic arthritis…I can totally relate to your mommy concerns!


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