Take 3 kids to Target in 30 easy steps!

Have you ever wanted to take your three kids to Target?  Well, today is your lucky day!  By following my 30 easy steps you’ll be joyfully pushing that red cart in no time.  Let’s begin:

  1. Asks all three kids to get their shoes on, we are going to Target
  2. Begin gathering your shopping list, cell phone, wait where are the minivan keys?
  3. Do you have your shoes on yet?
  4. Turn off all the lights, and the TV. Normally you wouldn’t worry too much, but the husband could be home at any time, and quite frankly you’re not in the mood for a lecture on the importance of saving power.
  5. They’ve got to have their shoes on by now. Nope, 5-year-old can’t find one of her 2 billion pairs.
  6. Go downstairs and help find the shoes.
  7. Almost out the door, wait the 3-year-old forgot her Cabbage Patch Kid, wait for her to grab it.
  8. Ok, the door is locked and shut. We are headed to the van. Shit! I never got the keys.
  9. Load kids in the van, buckle them up.
  10. Go grab the spare house key and frantically search the house for the regular keys. They are literally nowhere.
  11. Go check your purse again, it’s in the van with the kids. Nope.
  12. Check the house again. I just know they must be in the couch cushions, or underneath a pile of junk mail.  Again, nothing.
  13. Back to the van, dump the purse, find the keys that were in it the whole time.
  14. Head to Target, the hat comes off the Cabbage Patch Kid, child screams the entire drive.
  15. Get to Target, park near the cart return so you can put the kids directly in the cart.
  16. Load everyone in. 7-year-old nearly gets run over when she does an impromptu cartwheel in the parking lot.
  17. Get inside, 3-year-old begins screaming for a free cookie, head to bakery.
  18. Realize you left your list in the car because you dumped your purse. Screw it!  You remember the whole thing.
  19. Go up and down the aisles, tell 7 and 5-year-old to “move” at least one thousand times.
  20. Fill the cart with everything you could possibly need.
  21. 3-year-old is done with the cookie, and starts screaming for another one, strangers stare, secretly flip them off.
  22. Walk past the dollar spot, add 30 more things to your cart.
  23. Now your 3-year-old is climbing out of the cart. Buckle her in. Screaming is louder now.
  24. 7-year-old wants Pokémon cards and 5-year-old wants a Barbie. Take whatever you want, let’s just get out of here.
  25. Check out. Cashier tries to pacify 3-year-old with stickers.  It doesn’t help and only slows us down.
  26. Spend $400, but at least you got everything you needed.
  27. Load everything in car, including 3-year-old that is now acting like you’ve kidnapped her, try to ignore the stares.
  28. Swear you’re never doing that again.
  29. Look at your list and realize you forgot the main component for dinner tonight.
  30. Order Pizza.




I’m a Fat Mom and it’s OK

I’m fat. There I said it.

I’ve been dreading saying it since I started blogging.

I see all of these other blog moms.  They comment about food and eating everything, being so fat. I see them with envy.  What I wouldn’t do to be their size, and call myself fat. Instead of just being fat.

My struggle is something I’m know many others face. I’m a fat mom. I try not to let it bother me, and most of the time it doesn’t, but once in a while a bit of self-consciousness will creep in, and I try to keep it at bay.

Being a fat mom doesn’t mean I’m any less of a mom. I haul my kids everywhere. I still take them to the park, and try to make healthy meals. I’m careful about the language I use around my three daughters in hopes to promote a positive self-image, while secretly crossing my fingers that they stay skinny like they are now for their own sakes.

With friends I’ve always been the funny fat friend.  Which I don’t mind. I mean, I wouldn’t trade my sense of humor for a skinny body.

About the only time I’m bothered by it is when I get the look. The look from another wife and mother. The look that says “How did you get this husband?” or “You’re her, mom? But she’s so tiny.” I don’t see myself as inferior to them, but it bothers me that they see me as inferior just because of my weight. But that’s their problem, not mine.

Does it mean that I don’t take care of myself? I don’t think so. I still enjoy a good walk and a round of tennis. Broccoli is one of my favorite foods. However, I will gain two pounds at the mere sight of chocolate cake. It’s a struggle, but I try to keep the gains at bay.  At this point in my motherhood journey I don’t have time to devote hours of my day to exercise and weight loss, but that’s not to say I never will.

So there you have it. I’m fat. I love my kids. I’m me. Now where are those Cadbury Eggs I was promised?


Indiana Mom and the School Pick Up of Doom

I try to be patient. Really, I do.  But nothing makes my blood boil more than the school pick up line.  The endless parade of SUVs and minivans is not for the faint of heart.  However, it’s nearly the end of the year, and I feel it’s time for an intervention for those that still do not understand how to properly navigate the chaos.  Here are a few simple rules (I’ll put them as kindly as possible)


1.  Put your damn phone down.

As if the 10+ signs scattered throughout the driveway weren’t a big enough clue for you, you really should put your phone down. I know it’s the primetime for your daily minivan selfie, but quite frankly I’ve got shit to do, and if you could kindly pay attention I would be forever grateful.  Not to mention if your distracted driving were to somehow injure a child, well, let’s just say “You don’t want none of this.”


  1. Try to keep the debris at bay.

I was guilty of this one in my first week, never again. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen a stray juice box or mitten fall out of the van when the automatic door slides open.  And unless you decide to get out of your car (which we will get to in a second), or send your kid on an under car rescue mission, you’ve basically littered.  Are we really that low, Karen?  This has a simple solution that consists of making kids put their shit away and put their trash in the trash can.  Which I know can prove difficult, do your best.


  1. Disneyland rules apply. All line jumpers will be asked to leave.

My preschooler is learning the importance of rules, and I think you might know too!  If you’re supposed to stay in your lane until a certain point, do it.  You’re not above the rules just because your late for Sophie’s dentist appointment.  Face it, you were already late, we are all late for everything, it’s called motherhood.  Last year I was literally side swiped by another van because she was “super late.” Enjoy your insurance bill, sister. I bet that extra money twice a year was totally worth you not missing the beginning of your yoga class that one Tuesday in April.


  1. In the name of all that’s holy stay in your vehicle!

Why are you getting out?  Newsflash, it doesn’t make things any faster, in fact you’re slowing us all down.  Big time!  Please keep your arms and legs inside the van at all times. I know Johnny isn’t paying attention to the fact that you are there, but I bet if his YouTube privileges depended on it he would.  So have a talk with Johnny, because if you get out of the car again.  I’m going to have some choice words with you.


  1. Pull Forward! All the way!!!!!

This is basic, people.  Everyone will get through quicker if you don’t leave a gap the size of Alaska in between you and the car in front of you.  I know Sally is right there, but Sally can walk 10 feet so that another mom can pick up her child.  If you don’t pull forward I will honk, and I will honk so hard that your rear window stick family will be shaking in their oversized boots.


I’m sorry I have to be so mean, and difficult.  But these rules really are simple and expected.  We all want to get home so that we can pester our kids to clean their rooms or fight about math problems.  If we all make an effort in the pickup line, we will all get to the misery of the evening quicker and to the joy of bedtime quicker.

Thank you!