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The Difficulty of Body Image

I’ve been trying to drum up a post about positive body image for months now, and frankly it isn’t coming to me.

I think it’s because I don’t have a positive body image and therefore I feel like a hypocrite.

I feel like I’m in a constant struggle between trying to love my overweight body and also no longer wanting to be in my overweight body.

What hurts me most is my daughters watch, they watch their mommy as she feels this way, and projects it onto nearly every aspect of her life.  And consequently their lives. I want so badly to feel comfortable in my own skin. To not let the fear and shame I feel creep into my life on a daily basis, and yet it does.

I’m so tired of being ashamed of myself.

I’m tired of avoiding activities, because I’m afraid I will feel foolish.

I’m tired of avoiding pictures, because of how gross I think I’ll look.

I’m tired of feeling self-conscious eating meals, because someone will judge me if I overeat.

I’m tired of being scared to take an escalator, because I’m worried someone is thinking I could use the exercise that stairs would bring.

I’m tired of feeling judged at the gym when I’m trying to get healthy.

I’m tired of feeling so bad about myself that I eat another donut in order to feel better.

I’m tired of feeling judged by all the skinnier moms at school activities.

I’m tired of being worried my kids are being teased because of my weight.

I’m tired of letting my weight hold me back from being the active mom I truly want to be.

I’m tired of every family activity that involves something physical being “dad’s job.”

I’m tired of being worried my husband is ashamed of me.

I’m tired of hearing “it would help if you lost some weight’ every time I visit the doctor.

I’m tired of being flooded by these thoughts and feeling on a daily basis.  It’s exhausting.

I know I need to fix how I speak to myself.  I know I need to fix how I cope with life in general. I know the real issue isn’t my weight, but instead my inner monologue.

I know I’m not the only woman that feels this way. We are many and it is so unfortunate that we have been groomed by society to feel like this. My mom always told me it didn’t matter, and that I was beautiful no matter what, but still society’s expectations have crept in, and I want so badly to protect my daughters from this cycle of secret self-shame.

I’m reversing the cycle, right now!

My daughters are going to hear me speak kind words to myself.

My daughters are going to see me join in activities.

My daughters are going to watch me be healthy on the inside and out.

My daughters are going to watch me interact with the other moms, whether they want me to or not.

My daughters are going to see me be strong.

My daughters are going to watch me be confident.

I’m going to go swimming with them.

I’m going to go hiking with them.

I’m going to show them that you can do anything you want to do, and that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or what size you are.

I’m going to show them a happy mom.

I’m going to show them a healthy mom inside and out, and I’m going to do it for me, and me alone.

As women let’s stop the negative self-talk, let’s stop shaming each other, let’s stop the judging, and stop the f*cking cycle of self-shame.  Let’s be healthy women together.

The cycle stops now!